糖果盒子

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    I failed in Chinese, so now I'm trying English. How can I use Enlish to fabricate the dream I can't descript using Chinese? But at least I can express myself more freely this way.

    Like it or not, I'm bond to use this language in the next few decades of my life. The kind of language that is only Pinyin compared to Chinese. Not at all beautiful. Even all the poems in Enlish suck when i recall even the most simple Chinese poems. It's Nabokov's tragedy to abandon Russia and use English to write Lolita, while it's my tragedy to give up Chinese, the language I still believe to be the most beautiful,impressive and profund among all, to use English, just because people speaking English are the richest now. I can't use Chinese impressively anyway.

    My life is at a watershed. I hate to say it because I hate to choose(parallized phrase huh?). But now I don't really get to choose. I have to go this way. I heard someone say that "If it is your own choice, stick to the road even by swcraling." Now it makes sense to me. I need to stick to my road that I picked myself.

    There are people talking like I'm next Harvard and Yale girl or something like that. There are people believing that I gonna be the First in Gaokao. There are people looking forward to seeing me as a very successful famale order maker in China after I return . But I can only see myself struggling through all the difficulties silently, like I always did.

    What's the point of life anyway if you even don't get to choose who you are? I don't know yet what changed me into a person living in other people. I don't exist if no one else exists. I live differently facing different people. My charactor changes when the person I'm talking to changes. So where am I afterall? Nowhere.

     I don't know what I'm talking about either.